Being a Gentleman: Beyond Good Manners

Sometimes certain events push you to reflect on what you’re doing with your life. As the editor of a publication whose mission is to turn every man into a gentleman, you have to know when to stand up and speak out, and today is that moment. You’ve likely heard that, a few weeks ago, an attack shook the city of Montréal. I won’t go into the details, but it saddens me to learn that one of the motives behind this crime is, once again, hatred of women, as with several other tragic events in recent years.

I should have written this article a long time ago. The reason for the delay is that it takes the right words, the right tone, the right moment, and that requires stepping back in order to convey to men what a gentleman ought to be. Events like these stir up all kinds of emotions, and those emotions must always be expressed in ways other than violence.

Unfortunately, there are still many men today who seem to hate women and hold misogynistic views. And these attitudes toward women, as you’ve no doubt understood, have nothing to do with what a gentleman stands for. On the contrary, we need to lift women up, encourage them to break through glass ceilings, and treat them as our equals. We all stand to gain from having strong women in our society.

The Myth That Women Are to Blame for Men’s Singlehood

Our society often holds up the heterosexual couple as a symbol of success, not to mention other variations like the “power couple.” I can understand that, faced with so many of these symbols, some men feel resentment toward women and sometimes blame them for their own singlehood. I’ve been single myself for a few years now, and no, it isn’t always an easy situation, but it’s in no way women’s fault. Look at our own paths: how we treat others, how we take care of ourselves (physically and mentally), how we court someone (online and in person), our lifestyle, the way we express ourselves, dress, and present ourselves, and so on.

And if, after all that, it still doesn’t work out, well, it’s also possible that the other person simply doesn’t yet know what she’s looking for, that happens to everyone, men and women alike. There’s no need to look any further. A no is a NO, always. It’s certainly not always easy to hear, but we carry on and pursue other paths. A relationship isn’t built overnight; it’s built by working hard.

Is that obvious? Not at all. It can even be a real blow to the ego. And blaming feminists won’t help your case one bit. Be feminists, gentlemen, take the side of women. Not one woman in particular, all women. But how can you be an ally when the movement and all its struggles can be hard to fully understand?

You know, even well-known feminists clash with one another because they don’t share the same view on what men should do. This kind of internal disagreement exists in every social and political movement: environmentalism, unionism, even in the world of watchmaking or whisky, experts constantly argue over what matters most. That’s not a sign the movement is incoherent; it’s a sign that it’s alive and made up of people with different experiences and different outlooks.

But instead of picking a side, why not focus on what everyone agrees on? There’s a broad, largely uncontested foundation, consent, equal treatment, the right to decide for oneself, respect, on which there’s hardly any debate, even among feminists who disagree on everything else.

A man who wants to be an ally doesn’t need to referee the movement’s internal disputes; he needs to focus on these basic principles and apply them in his own life, with the real women he interacts with.

To that I’d add: we’re all human, we all make mistakes, we’re all imperfect, and we’re all learning, every day, to become better people. And if you want to be allies, don’t shoot yourselves in the foot by listening to what masculinists have to say.

Toxic Masculinity Has No Place in Gentlemanly Behaviour

Yes, I can already hear the old rhetoric, tied to an outdated model of masculinity some are trying to bring back, claiming that men shouldn’t cry, that it’s for the weak, along with other regressive ideas. That’s simply false. What makes you a strong man is expressing your emotions the right way, and your willingness to seek help, not from masculinists, but from health professionals. You’re not cavemen; you don’t have to dominate. You don’t have to prove you’re a man, people already know. And behaviour like aggression, humiliation, and intimidation will earn you no respect, and your actions will be called out. In the end, it won’t turn out well for you.

You’re allowed to not be doing well, that’s entirely plausible. The Canadian Mental Health Association¹ estimates that in Montreal, one in five men (21%) is experiencing high psychological distress, and 25% of men are experiencing probable psychological distress. That figure climbs to 39% among men aged 25 to 34. Talk about mental health with your friends, ask them how they’re really doing.

How Should a Gentleman Act?

So if a gentleman isn’t someone who dominates or imposes himself to prove his masculinity, what is he, then?

First, he’s a man for whom respect is a reflex, not a strategy. A gentleman treats women with consideration even when nothing is at stake, no date to land, no favour to win. Respect isn’t a means to an end; it’s a way of being, all the time, with everyone.

He’s also a man who takes responsibility for his own emotions. Being able to name what you’re feeling, frustration, loneliness, disappointment, rather than turning it into anger or resentment toward others. It’s not a weakness to seek help; in fact, that’s exactly what sets apart a strong man from one who bottles everything up until it explodes.

This same steadiness shows up in his integrity: a gentleman doesn’t behave one way with his friends and another way with a woman he’s courting. What he says in private, he’d be willing to say in public, though that doesn’t mean everything needs to be public, mind you. Integrity isn’t the same as putting everything on display; some things stay between you and you alone.

That same steadiness also shows in how he handles rejection. A no isn’t an injustice to be corrected, it’s an answer to be respected. Knowing how to accept a no without bitterness, without hunting for an explanation that doesn’t exist, is part of what defines a self-assured man, just as much as firmness without aggression. Being insulted or put down doesn’t call for backing down, nor for firing back with a bigger insult. A gentleman can name things clearly, refuse to be treated that way, without ever sinking to the same level; confidence isn’t proven by winning a war of words, it shows in how calmly you respond.

That’s what it means to be a gentleman today: less a matter of appearance, and more a matter of consistency and good conduct, being the same respectful man no matter who’s watching, what you gain, or what you’re refused. Speaking of good conduct, how should a gentleman act when he witnesses an assault against a woman?

Quiet Courage: Stepping In Without Overstepping

A gentleman doesn’t need to measure himself physically against a stranger to do the right thing. I’ll say it again: a gentleman doesn’t need to measure himself physically against a stranger to do the right thing. You’re not in a James Bond film, and you shouldn’t try to be a hero. His role, your role, is to reassure and protect the person being targeted, not to win a confrontation. When you’re confronted with a stranger harassing someone, physical caution should be your priority, even as moral courage also matters. Here’s how to act, from the most discreet to the most direct:

Your safety comes first. Faced with a stranger, you don’t know his state of mind, whether he’s armed, or how he’ll react. Choosing not to get directly involved isn’t cowardice, it’s good judgment. A gentleman has nothing to prove to a potentially dangerous stranger. Try these five approaches, known as the 5Ds².

Distract. The most useful move isn’t necessarily to address the aggressor directly, but to create a diversion that breaks the dynamic, without asking the victim to trust you on the spot, which she has no reason to do with yet another stranger. Ask the person being targeted for directions, as if you have no idea what’s going on. Knock something over. Ask a question that has nothing to do with the situation. The goal isn’t to become her improvised protector, but to break the moment and give her an opening.

Delegate. Flag the situation to a shop owner, a bus driver, a security guard, a police officer, or simply speak loudly enough to draw the attention of people nearby. Someone harassing another person often counts on anonymity and the absence of active witnesses, breaking that anonymity is sometimes enough, without a word directed at him.

Document. If you can’t or don’t want to step in at the moment, document what’s happening: discreetly film or record, or take notes, and ask the targeted person for consent afterward if possible.

Delay. If the moment passes too quickly to act, go back to the person afterward: a simple “Are you okay? I saw what happened” can make a real difference, even after the fact.

Direct intervention, if the situation feels safe: the stranger isn’t physically aggressive, you’re not alone, the setting is public and busy. One sentence is enough: “That’s enough, leave her alone.” No debate, no explanation owed, just one clear sentence, said once. If the person reacts badly, step back and try another approach.

Call the authorities if the situation escalates, without hesitation, and without seeing it as an admission of powerlessness, even if some communities may fear doing so, it’s better than the alternative: a fatality.

A Final Word on Why Men Should Be Gentlemen

Being a gentleman today means, above all, refusing hatred (in person and online), refusing domination, refusing silence when it counts. It means treating every person with the same respect, no matter the situation we find ourselves in with them. And it also means taking care of yourself, so you never turn your own pain into violence against others.

The next time a friend makes a misogynistic comment, say something. If you feel yourself heading in that same direction, reach out to a professional and ask for help rather than keeping it to yourself. These are the actions, repeated over and over, that make a gentleman, not a list of rules, a habit.

This fight isn’t over, and it won’t be won without you. Talk about it with each other, with your friends, your sons. But don’t stop there: call it out, speak up, publicly if you have to. The silence of well-meaning men has, for far too long, left all the room to those who put women down.

Resources

• Hommes Québec (In french)
• Centre de ressources pour hommes de Montréal (In french)
• Option (In french)
• SOS Violence Conjugale
• Suicide Prevention Centre of Montréal (formerly Suicide Action Montréal)

References

1. Canadian Mental Health Association
2. The “5Ds” framework (Distract, Delegate, Document, Delay, Direct) was developed by the U.S.-based organization Right To Be, in partnership with the Green Dot program.

How to become a gentleman, according to Gentologie: Follow this link